I like to spend time by myself, especially once I'm done my set of shifts. I need this alone time to decompress, and shift my mindset to my home life. When I'm alone it means I get to move at my own pace, while flowing through my space. The thoughts I have are my own, not broken by the interruptions of my kids.
School days have become the perfect time to have me time and most importantly there are NO distractions. I plan for appointments, hangouts with friends/family, and to finally complete those to-do list items. Once loaded on the bus, I get excited for the silence. Its time for me to pick my own adventure. Then suddenly, there was this hard line on the horizon that indicates the clock is ticking; the dreaded 3:30pm. I start to stress & count down the time like you do when you cant sleep. I became paralyzed with fear that I won’t enjoy my day or get the list of things done. Consumed with swirling thoughts, and tightening body, I no longer can focus and end up not completing much. The bus arrives, and I'm already defeated.
When they are home (which is everyday currently), I tell myself that I'm missing out on time with them when I take time for me. This may be running an errand alone, getting to my yoga mat, meeting up with a friend in the evening. Honestly, anything where they aren't involved. I inevitably spend that self care time wondering if this was the right time, am I almost done, or what will I be doing when this is over? All this overthinking, now I've missed being present for myself. I didn’t recharge and I'm no farther ahead. As my intrusive thoughts predicted, my self care time was a waste & I shouldn’t have even bothered, thus perpetuating the cycle of not looking after me.
Then there are the days I work, and I barely see my family. How can I ask for time for myself outside of work when I already missed so much time when I was at work? Working is not self care time is what I've come to understand. Yes, I'm away from them and my mom responsibilities but I'm completing my financial responsibility role. A role that is often emotionally & physically demanding.
Now don’t get me wrong, I'm not overwhelmed and down every single day. I have days when I feel re-energized, accomplished & excited to see my little chickens, but I struggle to accept that not everyday will go as perfectly as I planned, and my emotions might not be where I planned for them to be. I feel like to be healed of my anxiety I should never have a bad day again because I should know how to combat that by now.
Its okay.
Its okay to not feel okay.
You are right where you need to be.
These are simple statements, and yet so hard to accept.
While writing this blog post, you could only imagine the amount of times I was interrupted and had to walk away to attend to someone else's needs. They are not big requests, but they are these tiny little things: help spell this word, where's that toy, I'm hungry, what are you doing, get this, do this, "imagine I put macaroni inside an apple?"….. mom, mom, mom, mom! I start to bubble over and I snap.
And here it comes, the mom guilt bus ready to change the course of my day. The bus brings with it all the usual negative self talk questions: "Why cant I just be calm? Why do they make me so frustrated? When can I be alone? Why can't I just finish this one thing?" These thoughts are filled with such heavy judgement. I'm holding myself to a certain level of "perfect mom" and when I break my first thought is always, IM A BAD MOM. We all snap but when it happens toward your kid you suddenly feel like the worst person.
What I've done is created this persona of what the "perfect mom" should be like, all the qualities and traits I've picked from TV, Movies, Books, magazines, & most of all these days social media. A standard to which I don’t think anyone actually lives by every moment of every day. I did this to myself.
Through therapy & self reflection, I am learning that I am in control of the type of mom I'm going to be. If I don’t register my kids for every sport or extra curricular activity, that’s okay. I know who they are and what their needs are. We wont always have big adventurous activities because we don’t always have that ability. That’s okay too. Our family life is our own unique experience and shouldn't be like anyone else's. We aren't better or worse than some other families for what we have or where we go. We don’t need to compare anymore. What we need is to be open to all different ways to enjoy our time together.
I am learning about setting boundaries and keeping them. I need time to reconnect with myself and taking time for yourself is probably the most under valued priority. The best way to teach my children to care for themselves is to role model. I don’t need to go on weekend long retreats (but that does sound AMAZING), but talking to them about my feelings/needs is important. We have always been very open and honest with our kids about emotional regulation because they live in this house too and I'm not always going to my best self. I was 33 when I really started to understand myself , and I don’t want them to wait that long. I hope to empower them to think about themselves, as well as others. Advocate for your needs and seek out the support system who can help you be your best self.
At the end of the day, I am a good mom, I know this deep in my soul. I love them fiercely, proud of who they are becoming and ultimately, I want them to be respectable, contributing adults who are self aware enough to know what they need. Boundaries and self care actions are vital to keeping it all together. The sooner they learn to care for themselves the sooner it becomes just a part of who they are.
Each day is a new opportunity to get it right. I need to release what was and start focusing on the here and now. I don’t need to be a cookie cutter mom, squeezing into a mold that doesn’t fit me. I'm going to create my own happiness based on my own needs first, so I can then be present for them. I'm going to stumble but that’s okay. I'm still worthy & good. Sometimes you need to be your own cheerleader.
Cheers to all the parents out there finding their own rhythm and path. If you lead with love, you cant be too far off. Find your support parents who you can be real with, judgement free and full of love. Parenting is hard work but I couldn’t imagine life any other way.
Xo Dee
Tell us a little about each of your kidlets... I haven't seen them in so long, I'd love to hear a little about their personalities, likes and dislikes, boiling points, idiosyncrasies, etc.
Well said friend! Our world has been flipped upside down and recharging is more important that ever! You’re a great mom and oh so inspiring!