The Winding Road to Healing

I am not okay

I am coming apart at the seams.

I am losing focus and succumbing to my emotional wounds.

I am coming out of survival mode and I no longer recognize my life.

I took my first leave from work in November 2019 until March 5, 2020; I was barely back to work when the global pandemic was announced. I work as a Registered Nurse in a busy ICU, a job which I've become so proud of, but throughout these past 17 months, the passion & excitement for my job has dulled to the point where I'm not sure I can continue in this type of work anymore. I have placed such a large portion of my identity in my career and to consider leaving for something new terrifies me and has me questioning everything. I truly believed I would be in the ICU for many years to come, with room to advance to different roles and projects. Yet as I write this, the idea of returning causes extreme levels of anxious emotions and tears that I can't seem to control.

A virus has ruined my career path and everything I had dreamt for myself. I'm devastated, scared and filled with such sadness that I'm not sure how to function anymore.

I read a book to my kids called "A Little Scribble SPOT; A Story about Colourful Emotions" by Diane Alber as a way to talk to them about emotional identification and how all emotions have an important role. I would currently describe myself as a jumbled, tight mess of all the emotions; I can't identify how I feel because it changes so frequently that I just get confused and frustrated. I know its okay to feel all the negative emotions but I am just so desperate to rid myself of them and be happy again. Will I ever be happy again? Of course I will but its so hard to hold onto. I am a newly, self proclaimed advocate for crying yet I cant help but punish myself every time I do it. I just want to be left alone yet I long to be playing games with my family or drinking cocktails on patios with friends. My dark traumas have crept up on me and its becoming hard to see my way forward; I feel lost and alone. I'm a big 'ol dark scribble spot.

So, here I am; crying daily, sleeping more often, eating less, removed from my social circles, anxious about my future, and trying to force the next steps because I feel lost and out of control. We've all lived our own version of pandemic hell, so I want to say first and foremost, I am not here to compare my traumas to yours. This is me coming forward to say I'm struggling, I'm not sure where I'm headed each day, but I'm still here. This is me in a low period of my life sharing my experience because I can't be the only one.

How do I move forward?

Right now, I'm going back down to my foundations, my pillars of strength, comfort and security. As much as I want the answers to my future right now, I cant possibly move to anything until I've given myself time to heal some pretty deep emotional wounds. This healing and filling of my empty cup looks like yoga, outside in the vineyard or in the heat of the studio. I can be surrounded and comforted by the energy of the community around me, yet given the space to focus on me in those moments. Reconnecting with my love of food by reading cookbooks, being inspired by my own garden to nourish myself and getting back to the kitchen. Talk therapy has become a time I look forward too because I can explore all areas of my nightmares with unconditional support. I am accepted exactly as I am in that hour, no judgement, just space to exist. I couldn’t ask for a more optimal healing environment.

Most importantly, I'm reaching out to family and friends for guidance, love and support because isn't that why they are in my tribe? I need to be open, honest and vulnerable about my experiences and current needs. I don’t have to do this alone. Although many people don’t understand the specifics of my traumas, they can empathize with me, be there to listen, hug it out, wipe my tears and hold space for me while I navigate towards the light again.

Living with the day to day mentality (some days its moment to moment), I'm working towards grace and unconditional love throughout all my feelings/thoughts while I work towards my desires and passions. I know the light and love surrounds me but I need to allow myself to feel it and see it. I need to remind myself these feelings are like water, they move through me but don’t need to stay within me. My troubled thoughts are like the wind, they can come and go as freely as I will let them.

Its time to surrender to the healing, accept the wounds no matter how deep and start allowing them to close. I am more than these horrible memories and crushing sadness.

I don’t know how long I'll be blinded by the dark traumas I carry but I am grateful for all those around me providing me some of their light while I get back up. I won't be a scribble spot forever, but for now its messy and that’s okay.

Xo Dee

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