Saying No Is a Form of Self Care

When I pulled the emergency brake in late 2019, I was terrified of where I had found myself in that moment, but I was also worried about where I was headed should I continue on that path. I have so much to be grateful for in my life; my husband, two beautiful kids, a house, dog, cars, stable career, etc. I couldn’t understand why I still felt sad, empty and unfulfilled, I mean, I was checking all those boxes that one was "suppose" to meet.

Through therapy and self reflection, I have come to realize that I have been living my life with a list of "should's" set out for me by society and those I have chosen to surround myself with. I wouldn't say one person specifically said this is how I was to live my life, but there is this unwritten expectation and a list of milestones you find yourself rating your success against. I find myself constantly saying "I should have spent my free time like this. I should have picked this option. I shouldn't think like that. I shouldn't follow that." I have been "shoulding" all over my life and not living to my fullest potential.

Its amazing what a little self reflection can do to unearth those driving forces and expectations we put on ourselves. I say we do this to ourselves because until recently, I assumed I had no control over my daily life or those factors that keep me relevant. I have an exact set of shifts I'm expected to work at the hospital, appointments for everyone in my family to keep, co-ordinating the social functions so we can be living "our best life." When I think about it, I said yes to all those events in my calendar, I put myself in this situation because I want to say I did everything and I have no regrets. But at the end of the day how present am I at these activities? I began noticing I've been in cruise control to meet the expectations I once held as important but are no longer serving my current focus.

I have started setting boundaries to ensure I remain focused on me first and what I am capable to give others. This is hard to do because I constantly worry that I will be upsetting and disappointing those around me when I say I no. I've always been more concerned with how my actions will affect others, that I forgot to consider how those actions make me feel. I strive to be a dependable, considerate, supportive, successful and friendly human being. I want those around me to feel loved, supported, entertained and excited when they are with me. What I never considered was how much energy I was giving to others and at what expense to my own mental health and wellbeing.

I recently read a quote "Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is." - Mark Groves. I love this because too often boundaries are considered a hard NO, and once you’ve made that choice it must be your final answer forever. I don’t want to say no to be honest. I want to be seen as the woman who can do it all, see it all and live it all; Wonderwoman! When I say yes when the answer really is no or not right now, I'm saying that the image I give to others by saying yes is more important and my mental health can take a back seat to make way for everyone else.

The day I started to ask myself "does this serve me, my goals or is it adding to my life", was the day I took back control.

Now, when I start to feel pressure and overwhelmed, I pause and ask myself the important questions. I have to do an emotional inventory and decide what I am able to give in this moment. I am working on this new moment of reflection and there are days when I still fall into old habits of panic and fear of letting others down. But when I do finally pause, its amazing how easily I know exactly what I need to do. Some things are easy to turn down while others are much harder. What I remind myself is that by living my truth and being honest, I am setting the stage for more meaningful and successful engagement with those involved and continuing to grow myself!

By having boundaries, I allow myself to be present, while respecting my limitations. I want to say thank you for those who have been patient while I learn this new language of self respect and self worth. I want to give you the best parts of me because I truly value our time together and I don’t want to miss a single second! To those who I might have parted ways with throughout my journey, I too, am thankful for our time together no matter how long our time together was.

I look forward to what my future holds because I am now curating my own happiness. I hope for less should haves, and more curiosity for what's next. I hope to continue to set my own standards of success through inspiration and support of those around me. We are all living our own experiences, lets start celebrating each others awareness and support each others growth no matter how different it may seem.

What boundaries have you set for yourself? If none, is now the time to start?

Xo Dee

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{I am always inspired by my Super Junkie Affirmation Deck from Gabrielle Bernstein. The picture for this post was a recent card I pulled during my meditation. }