Hot Girl Summer

With signs of spring shifting into the dog days of summer, we are also entering bathing suit season, a time when my anxiety holds me back from being fully present and having fun.

As a kid, I grew up with a pool where I spent most of my time, reluctant to leave it. My most cherished memories are summer days poolside with family & friends. As a mom, I now watch my kids in the summer playing in their suits, and I find myself longing to go back to those days when what my body looked like never crossed my mind. The most important things were the pool temperature, access to popsicles, time spent with my friends & good music.

I can't say I remember an exact moment when this changed for me, but something shifted and has continued to have its grip on me. Putting on a bathing suit became less about function and more about how it looked on and what others would think. Thoughts around the size of my belly & my lack of thigh gap were all consuming . I wasted so much energy worrying about what everyone else was going to think about me in my suit & I stopped having fun. I started to say no to swimming or playing with my kids because people would stop seeing the perfectly placed woman in a chair showing just the right amount of skin & curves. I'd be exposing my "flaws & imperfections". I projected these fears onto not just my family and friends but to complete strangers at the beaches or public pools.

When I was growing up, images of girls & women were mainly of a certain size and shape. Women like Britney Spears' & Paris Hilton's flat stomachs in their low cut jeans were on the cover of all my magazines and CD covers. It seemed women with curvy hips & voluptuous breasts were expected to wear the sport suits, cover ups, and be out of sight. All these images have trained my mindset to look at myself and other woman through filters. I also assumed that these "perfect woman" were happy and had everything. I longed to be like these women with the hopes that I could finally be content and get back to having fun again. Turns out, no matter what your size, many women ( and men too for that matter), we all worry we aren't good enough at some point, even if we meet all the requirements. How crazy is this? This illusion of "perfect" that’s been set for all of us by some higher power and the tight hold these unknown influences can have on us.

My husband and I went on a trip to Hawaii a few years ago and we spent everyday by the water. There were people from all over the world, of all shapes and sizes enjoying the beautiful weather. I had purchased a bikini for this trip, something I had not allowed myself to wear in over 5 years at this point. Leading up to my trip, I had started weight training at a local gym, getting in control of my fitness & feeling like a rock star. When it came time to let others see me in my suit, I was nervous & wanted to cover up ASAP. I feared the judging eyes & secret whispers about how my body looked and moved. In my mind, I felt amazing and yet this piece of clothing was overshadowing all my hard work. My husband took many photos of me in it, not covered by a towel or my cute beach cover; just me. I posted it to Instagram, despite my hesitation, because I wanted to prove to my controlling inner critic that I was in control and I am proud. Ever since then, I have started to show up for myself and my body.

I have a 7 year old daughter who lives by her own creative spirit. She decides what she wears each day, how her hair is styled & all the accessories to finish it off. Although, it might not always be the conventional pairings, who am I to tell her what's right and wrong? She is figuring out who she is and what she likes. It takes confidence and bravery to live outside the box, I don’t want to take this away from her by telling her about the "rules". Which again are set by who exactly? As I write this, I'm reminding myself that body image issues don’t just affect girls, but they can affect boys too. My son also decides how he shows himself to the world through his outfit choices and some days even his choice to wear nail polish. I hope we can always allow them the space to be their true selves.

By living according to my own compass and showing up for myself, I hope to inspire them to live for themselves. No one should be telling us what to wear because it will make others happy or that we should try to fit into something that’s made for my body type because its fashionable. We should be dressing for ourselves for our personal body styles at this exact moment.

I have started to surround myself with individuals and companies who are aware of this negative body image propaganda and are trying to change the narrative. Companies like Aerie and Knix showcase women of all shapes and sizes, embracing their natural curves and forms. They celebrate that we are all worthy of feeling beautiful and comfortable in our bodies and the clothes we wear. People like @thebirdspapaya and @aliciamccarvell are women on social media openly talking about their struggles with body image stigmas and learning to love themselves first and foremost. These are local, Canadian women I can relate too. These are just a few places I draw support from to be confident in my own body. I am encouraged to be who I am today, not the illusion of someone tomorrow.

I have been rocking a two piece and stylish one piece for two years now and I'm loving every minute of it. I have found that I can be comfortable and sexy at the same time, no longer pulling at my suits and consumed with fear. I still have rolls, my thighs still touch but that’s who I am. I am beautiful and acceptable as I am TODAY! I take care of myself, I am aware of who I am and I'm proud of where I am today. I will always have room to grow and change but at my own pace and into the woman I want to be. Size and shape will no longer define me. Its time to take back my time and shift my mindset. Its time to take back my summers & start living for myself.

"Your child doesn’t care how you look in a swimsuit. They care that you got in the water" - @feedinglittles

Only you are holding yourself back. Put that swimsuit on, love your body for where it is today, what it has helped you accomplish & enjoy that time poolside. You deserve it, don’t let anyone take that enjoyment away from you. Start re-writing the rules of your own happiness!

See you by the pool friends

Xo Dee

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