Healing feels one directional and always forward, yet when I hear the phrase, "Healing isn't linear" I find myself nodding in agreement because I can relate to that experience so deeply. Lately, I've been finding myself in need of more self reflection as a boost for my self esteem before the next part of my path can be revealed. The reflection got me thinking about recovery and how do we assess our progress when we don’t have anything tangible to measure.
As a nurse, my brain tells me that healing is to get you, the patient, back to your baseline as best we can when you become sick with an acute or sudden illness or injury. This seems easy to understand in the context of physical ailments; a broken leg gets reset, casted and with some time and physio you can be back to some form of "normal". What about a mental health illnesses? Is the goal to rid ourselves of these conditions, to never experience it again or are we simply learning how to live with it? Do you ever fully heal from an emotional wound or do we learn symptom management? Do the same principles of healing apply to mental health as they do to physical health?
When I review my own personal growth, I can see just how much I've learned and how much I've changed. Yet, when I'm having a "down" day or I've been triggered by someone, a comment or an event, I cant help but assume I'm right back where I started. I become blind to all my progress. I let go of all reason and logic - the emotions take control, spill over and the negative spiral of self doubt begins again.
It got me wondering if, maybe, mental health healing isn't about getting me back to my baseline but more so about creating a new one.
Physical healing seems to have a more straight forward trajectory when I compare it to mental health recovery, yet it too can have its ups and downs. Often I tell family members of my ICU patients to expect a marathon paced recovery with some steps back but always with the forward goal of healing. Why can't I take this approach with my own mental and emotional healing?
While I become more self aware and explore the different areas of my life, I realize I am in fact creating and redesigning my baseline. I'm beginning to rid myself of the beliefs, the people and the environments that are no longer supporting me. I am building a new foundation for which I will build my soulful future upon. With all this rebuilding, and my conditioned definition of healing, its no wonder I can feel confused as to my healing journey and its direction. Its time to stop seeing only the struggles and remind myself of the blessings, the progress and my resilience through it all.
If healing isn't linear, how do we know we are progressing? What are the growth markers for us to feel confident in our hard work? Can we measure mental health recovery with more tangible metrics as we do with physical recovery?
Here are a few I've identified for myself:
Boundary Setting: I am listening to my mind and body for cues about what feels aligned for me. Do I want to go for that coffee date, participate in that event or talk about this topic right now? Its okay to say no. Honestly it is. The right people in your life will understand and appreciate your choices.
Awareness/Clarity: When I feel agitated because I see myself falling into old patterns, the simple fact that I am aware of this shift is a sign of my progress. Self awareness allows me to pause and pivot as I see necessary.
Self Love: I can honestly say that when I look at myself in the mirror or in pictures I don’t instantly look for my flaws anymore. I smile at my reflection more and remind myself of all the potential I have to share with the world. I truly love myself more and I feel proud of the person I am.
Desire to learn and evolve: I find myself open to more opportunities and conversations with people I would have normally felt too shy to talk with. I feel grounded and confident in what I already have and I am ready to explore outside of my personal bubble. What other tools and resources can I add to my toolkit?
Its safe to say that healing is messy and not predicable or straight forward. Its going to be filled with triumph and joy as well as sadness and frustrations, however, my curiosity to witness the whole array of emotions is my greatest achievement. I may never be fully healed from my anxiety but I am gaining more than I could have imagined.
The key is to pause once in awhile and reflect. Its time to celebrate the evolution of me, most importantly the times when I was at my lowest and found my way back up. In writing this, I finish with a smile because I am so damn proud of myself. It has not been easy to witness all my feelings and thoughts but I am becoming a stronger, more peaceful and loving woman for it.
When was the last time you self reflected? Look for signs of your strength and resiliency in both your successes and uncertain moments.
You are amazing, don’t let any emotion hide that from you.
Xo Dee
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