Exploring My Shadows

Recently I spoke openly about my struggles with overwhelm, sadness and uncertainty. I know it seemed dark and maybe unsettling but if we are being honest, I don’t think we communicate enough about how hard some periods of our lives can be. As we all walk our own journeys, inevitably the hurdles will come. Some will bump you around, ruffle some feathers while other moments and events will knock you right down, even down paths we never imagined for ourselves. While my current period of grey is mine to work through, sharing my thoughts and experiences feels necessary for the awakening of others around me.

As I mentioned in my very first post, I want to create a space of safe, open and honest dialogue, but with this comes the tough conversations not just the typical "its tough but I'll be fine" place holders. Lets get real about the whole wheel of emotions, the thought paths we find ourselves experiencing and how we eventually find ourselves back where we are secure and at peace.

I have been on a journey of self discovery, awareness and recovery for almost two years now, and often I find myself struggling with the not so great feelings. Somewhere along the way I got it in my head that if I did the work and was aware, I'd be increasingly more happy, successful and fulfilled ALL the time. Or when these unhappy feelings popped into my head I'd be able to roundhouse kick them back to the darkness with ease. Except the overwhelm crept up and eventually clouded over all my thoughts, feelings and judgements. As I find my way back, I'm still having those down moments or days. I'm instantly upset when I cant shake it off or make it go away. I'm armed with all the right tools and the awareness to be able to identify them so why wont they stop now?

In a recent yoga class, my teacher stated "Learn to have tea with your fear. Learn to just sit with it." Wow. What a simple idea and one that has really had me thinking.

I love a good analogy and to envision myself with my feelings, sitting in the same space, just being there together brings me a sense of control and calm. I don’t need to go to battle with my shadow side where those sadder, uncomfortable feelings live, I need to learn to let them exist. Acknowledge their presence. I could start asking myself, "Why are you here and how can I help you?" Although the idea of being with my feelings seems simple enough, this will take a great amount of time, practice and self compassion to achieve. Despite the personal work that lies ahead, I'm actually excited to start exploring this shadow side instead of fighting against it.

So this is where I find myself in this current phase of my journey. With each day, as the feelings ebb and flow, I will work towards intentional pauses, reflection & listening to my intuition. I will challenge my thought process to find the positive in each day and not allow single "bad" moments overshadow that whole day. I will take some time to understand where I'm holding these feelings in my body and work to release the tension.

Reminders for myself while I move froward:

I have everything I need already inside of myself.

I am enough.

I can do hard things.

While I'm aware that sharing my story and in such a public forum isn't for everyone, I hope my vulnerability allows you to find comfort in the shared experience. If you are feeling ready to share your own story, know there is someone out there ready to listen and support you. It may surprise you who becomes your support and who shares a common experience.

There are also many outside resources available to you too, like a registered therapist, support groups (online or in person), or work place mental health support programs. Taking the first step can be intimidating and uncomfortable but it can start opening the doors to all types of support. I have listed a few Canadian resources for support on my website, If you are looking to seek council, this could be a place to start exploring.

Thank you for being here along side me while I explore my shadows and celebrate the light.

Xo Dee

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